Nirvana

I Want you to be with me as You were always

I want to Worship you in every sense and therefore I want you to be with me as you were from “Eternity”.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Navratri trip to Bangalore and Kerala

Yesterday I had begun my trip to Bangalore and Kerala with my Mother. This trip was planned a long back at the persistence of my Mother. She wanted me and my sister with her husband to offer prayers at our family Goddess temple (Mother’s side) at Kerala during the auspicious days of Navratri.

What is unique about this trip is that I am driving all the way. There was lot of contemplation and discussion on the mode of travel. Driving by road, Train and Flight were the options.  Ultimately I decided to try something for the first time. Long Drive by self. Yesterday the drive from Hyderabad to Bangalore took approx 14 Hours. The roads were terrific and driving non-stop at 80KMPH gave me a new perspective of Time and Space. We reached the outskirts of Bangalore by 6:30 P.M and from there it took another 2 & ½ hours for us to reach my Sister’s place.  In Toto, We had covered approximately 625 Kms in this trip till now.

Yesterday evening after taking 2 Pegs of Bacardi Rum and dinner with my Sister, Brother in Law and Mother , I retired for the night.

Today, I am just relaxing at my Sister’s place at Bangalore. Tomorrow morning we would start our onward journey to Kerala again by Road. Our Zen Car needs to be washed today evening and kept ready for tomorrow morning’s sojourn.     

Orphan

Yesterday, I saw the movie Orphan directed by Jaume Collet-Serra. Though many of the scenarios looked unlikely in the beginning but as the story unfolded, the portrayal of the darker side of a 33 years old mentally and medically challenged Woman in a Child’s body looked realistic to some extent.  

Though I am saturated to these kind of expressions, it was unusual for me to find myself graduating from a thought process which reflected a beautiful and intelligent Girl kid in the beginning to pure desperation of a tightly cornered “psyche” by the end of the movie.  

After watching this motion picture, I ponder upon the concept of “restriction” and its immense creative potential for the benefit of the “self” and the “universe” provided the “lurking energy” is slowly and meticulously channelized towards the desired end which creates and preserves the “original freedom” among the falling restrictions and limitations.      

Sanjay at Nirvana

Mother, Father & Me

Today early morning, I saw two dreams in succession. In the first dream, I saw myself wearing a black robe and my head was bald. The situation of the dream was such wherein I was interacting with my environment and a third person was commenting on the unfolding sequence of events in the dream.

In the first dream I was upset with Lord Shiva and with hurt emotions and feelings I marked a round circle on the ground and started hardcore penance of the fierce Goddess Kali who was standing in front of me as a black and terrifying personality. The More I did penance on Goddess Kali; the more I was getting absorbed into her scheme of things. I was becoming her beloved and at this stage the sequence of the dream changed with Lord Shiva and me facing each other. In fact in this sequence, Lord Shiva and I were becoming one. I saw his radiance and power getting transmitted into me and he uttered the following words-“Oh, You and me are becoming one. My radiance and energy is getting transmitted to you”.

Again at this juncture the sequence changed and both I (in my black robe with bald head) and Lord Shiva started running with each other. I was trying to take something from the hands of the Lord and the Lord threw it far away in an open ground. We both then ran to that thing that was tossed far away in the open ground. In this sequence, I represented the Mother (Goddess Kali) and I was competing with my Father (Lord Shiva).    

In the second dream, I found myself to be representing both my Mother (Goddess Kali) and my Father (Lord Shiva). In this sequence I found to be surrounded by Girls who were helping me give birth to a child. After the labor (helped by the girls), I gave birth to a male child whom I picked up in my hands immediately and fondled with affection. To my astonishment and to the astonishment of the girls surrounding me, this infant boy started speaking divine words. When we wondered aloud as to how an infant can speak and speak such divine words, the infant boy replied back to us. He said that he is able to speak because he has the “Gurutattva” inherited from his parents that is Goddess Kali and Lord Shiva.

At this juncture I woke up and immediately my mind conveyed to me the interpretations of the two dreams. The first dream represented my early spiritual conflict wherein I decided to focus exclusively on my Mother (Goddess Kali) and in the bargain I started taking the form of my Father (Lord Shiva).

The second dream represented my spiritual development where now I could find the Mother (Goddess Kali) and Father (Lord Shiva) as part of me in a non-dualistic form. So in this situation, whatever I was giving birth to (creating) represented the ultimate truth of my supreme Guru (Gurutattva).

Two months back I had seen another dream where I was standing in front of an Old couple and as I touched the feet of the Old Wise Man, he immediately blessed me. But when I bowed to touch the feet of the Old Woman, she moved away. When, again I tried to touch her feet, again she moved back. Seeing this happen, the Old Wise Man took his walking stick and strongly pricked it on the back of the Old Woman. Because of this the Old Woman moved forward and I was able to touch both her feet. As I woke up from this dream my mind conveyed to me the correlation of this dream to a dream that I had seen many months back which I had penned down at that time. In that dream, I had tried to touch the feet of Maha Maya ( one of the two dualistic forms of the Supreme Adya Kali) but she did not allow me to do that. Thereafter I went on with my penance directed at the Adya Kali (Supreme feminine represented by the black void and the infinite potential to be) and the Supreme Brahman (the infinite and the eternal consciousness). After three to four months of this hardcore penance, I saw this dream of the “old couple” which I have mentioned above. Through this dream, I had earned the right to Know Maha Maya and suggest the required changes to her for the betterment of the universe. My mind said that I have been empowered to excel and show a new direction to the manifested universe.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Work in Progress

It is great to feel the work in Progress. Last 2 and ½ months has been an uphill task in terms of walking the path shown by the teacher but yes it has been positive and highly rewarding. I learned the meaning of responsibility and accountability when entrusted with the highest of tasks. The choice was with me to either take the Destructive or Constructive path to achieve my supreme goals and I chose the Constructive route though this being the tougher option. How could I have chosen the destructive path when I am the Universe?  How could I destroy the good part of my own self to recreate a new reality? I chose the option of being everywhere. I chose to rise to that level where I would transcend the boundaries and limitations set by the illusions of the defined world.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Today’s thought

Day after tomorrow I am going to join a pharmaceutical company called as Veritaz in the post of Group Product Manager with exactly the same salary as that I was drawing two years back when I left Intas Pharma Limited. Last 15 days was spent on the work that was needed for getting selected for this assignment.    

Now I am aware of the fact that I need to get into the thick of things to keep things going at the higher level. Most of my personal desires are dead and cremated in the cremation ground of my heart.

Things that I have written here and elsewhere remain the structures that have been created with the help of nature and the collective consciousness of the universe and so they will unfold into manifestation when the time comes. My yearning to go for higher studies as well as continue the research activities in the three chosen fields are part of that larger game plan which is beyond the domain of my personal desires (if still anything is left as personal desire).

The structures that I have created for the future should be made independent of my conscious thinking and control. Keeping this in mind I consign them to the world of the collective consciousness of the universe.  Let the churning happen at that level and let the path be created starting from there.

My day to day activities are definitely going to be fashioned based on the forces operating within the structures that I have created for the future but consciously I want to be independent of them. It is necessary to be aware of these operating structures and the progress made within its framework but it would be imprudent to push them to happen through the conscious mind.         

I have to stabilize now into a static mode based on the structures that I have created for the future. The fluxes and changes in the external environment should pass like clouds and it should not matter whether they pass from the sides or whether I have to pass through the central belly of these clouds. What matters "however" is the strengthening of the static mode and that can only happen by continuous exposure to the external environment.  The concept of external environment has also evolved as I have been progressing in my research activities. Today the external environment is also the thoughts and insinuations that come into my mind as well as in my dreams.  For me they are nothing but projections of the fluxes in the external environment and they don’t have any direct bearing on my static mode.

That’s for today. The update will continue as I progress forward.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Kaulachara

I have truly become a Kaula now. Lines on my palm or my pre-written destiny have become irrelevant now. I am no more bound to any sect or religion though I may study them for a limited period of time and utilize the powers gained for the good of the universe. On the other hand, Mahanirvana Tantra and the other relevant Tantric doctrines will be the "basis" for my life long experiment with truth and the unknown. These will be the doctrines, the study and mastering of which, I shall never keep aside at any point of time. Let me now put down excerpts from the Mahanirvana Tantra which explains what exactly is the path of the Kaula.

Forms of Achara, Mahanirvana Tantra (Translation by John Woodroffe “Arthur Avalon”) :

“ There are seven, or, as some say, nine, divisions of worshippers.  The extra divisions are bracketed in the following quotation. The  Kularnava Tantra mentions seven, which are given in their order of  superiority, the first being the lowest: Vedachara, Vaishnavachara, Shaivachara, Dakshinachara, Vamachara, Siddhantachara (Aghorachara, Yogachara ), and Kaulachara, the highest of all. The  achara is the way, custom, and practice of a particular class of  sadhaka. They are not, as sometimes supposed, different  sects, but stages through which the worshipper in this or other births  has to pass before he reaches the supreme stage of the Kaula. Vedachara, which consists in the daily practice of the  Vaidik rites, is the gross body (sthula−deha), which  comprises within it all other acharas, which are, as it  were, its subtle bodies (sukshma−deha) of various  degrees. The worship is largely of an external and ritual character,  the object of which is to strengthen dharma. This is the  path of action (kriya−marga). In the second stage the  worshipper   passes from blind faith to an understanding of the supreme  protecting energy of the Brahman, towards which he has feelings of  devotion. This is the path of devotion (bhakti−marga), and the aim at this stage is the union of it and faith previously  acquired. With an increasing determination to protect dharma and  destroy a−dharma, the sadhaka passes into  Shaivachara, the warrior (kshatriya) stage,  wherein to love and mercy are added strenuous striving and the  cultivation of power. There is union of faith, devotion (bhakti), and inward determination (antar−laksha). Entrance is  made upon the path of knowledge (jnana−marga). Following  this is Dakshinachara, which in Tantra does not mean  "right−hand worship," but "favourable"  that is, that achara which is favourable to the accomplishment of the higher sadhana, and whereof the Devi is the Dakshina Kalika. This stage commences  when the worshipper can make dhyana and dharana of the  threefold shakti of the Brahman (kriya, ichchha, jñana), and understands the mutual connection (samanvaya ) of the three guna until he receives purnabhisheka (q .v.). At this stage the sadhaka is Shakta, and qualified for the worship of the threefold shakti of  Brahma, Vishnu, Maheshvara. He is fully initiated in the  Gayatri−mantra, and worships the Devi Gayatri, the Dakshina Kalika, or  Adya Shakti  the union of the three Shakti. This is the stage of  individualistic Brahmana−tattva, and its aim is the union of faith,  devotion, and determination, with a knowledge of the threefold  energies. After this a change of great importance occurs, marking, as  it does, the entry upon the path of return (nivritti). This it is which has led some to divide the achara into the two  broad divisions of Dakshinachara (including the first four) and  Vamachara (including the last three), it being said that men are  born into Dakshinachara, but are received by initiation  into Vamachara. The latter term does not mean, as is  vulgarly supposed, "left-hand worship," but the worship in which woman ( vama) enters that is lata-sadhana. In this  achara there is also worship of the Vama Devi. Vija is here  "adverse," in that the stage is adverse to pravritti, which governed in varying degrees the preceding achara, and entry is here made upon the path of nivritti, or  return to the source whence the world sprung. Up to the fourth stage  the sadhaka followed pravrittimarga, the outgoing  path which led from the source, the path of worldly enjoyment, albeit curved by dharma. At first unconsciously, and later  consciously, sadhana sought to induce nivrittt, which, however, can only fully appear after the exhaustion of the  forces of the outward current. In Vamachara, however, the sadhaka commences to directly destroy pravritti, and  with the help of the Guru (whose help throughout is in this necessary)  to cultivate nivritti. The method at this stage is to use  the force of pravritti in such a way as to render them  self-destructive. The passions which bind may be so employed as to act  as forces whereby the particular life of which they are the strongest  manifestation is raised to the universal life. Passion, which has  hitherto run downwards and outwards to waste, is directed inwards and  upwards, and transformed to power. But it is not only the lower  physical desires of eating, drinking, and sexual intercourse which must  be subjugated. The sadhaka must at this stage commence to cut  off all the eight bonds (pasha) which mark the pashu  which the Kularnava Tantra enumerates as pity (daya), ignorance (moha), shame (lajja), family ( kula), custom (shila), and caste (varna ). When Shri Krishna stole the clothes of the bathing  Gopi, and made them approach him naked, he removed the  artificial coverings which are imposed on man in the sangsara. The Gopi were eight, as are the bonds (pasha), and the errors by which the jiva is misled are the clothes  which Shri Krishna stole. Freed of these, the jiva is  liberated from all bonds arising from his desires, family, and society.  He then reaches the stage of Shiva (shivatva). It is the  aim of Vamachara to liberate from the bonds which bind men to  the sangsara, and to qualify the sadhaka for the highest grades of sadhana in which the sattvika guna predominates. To the truly sattvik there is neither attachment, fear,  or disgust. That which has been commenced in these stages is by degrees  completed in those which follow  viz.: Siddhantachara, and according to some, Aghorachara and Yogachara. The sadhaka becomes more and more freed from the darkness of  the sangsara, and is attached to nothing, hates nothing, and is ashamed of nothing, having freed himself of the artificial bonds  of family, caste, and society. The sadhaka becomes, like Shiva  himself, a dweller in the cremation ground (smashana). He  learns to reach the upper heights of sadhana and the mysteries  of yoga. He learns the movements of the different vayu  in the microcosm the Kshudra-brahmanda, the regulation of  which controls the inclinations and propensities (vritti). He learns also the truth which concern the macrocosm (brahmanda ). Here also the Guru teaches him the inner core of Vedachara . Initiation by yoga-diksha fully qualifies him for  yogachara. On attainment of perfection in ashtanga-yoga , he is fit to enter the highest stage of Kaulachara.”

Kaula Dharma, Mahanirvana Tantra (Translation by John Woodroffe “Arthur Avalon”) :

Kaulachara or Kaula-dharma is in no wise sectarian, but, on the contrary, is the heart of all  sects. This is the true meaning of the phrase which, like many another  touching the Tantra, is misunderstood, and used to fix the kaula with  hypocrisy antah−shaktah, vahih−shaivah sabhayang  vaishnavahmatah nana  rupadharah kaulah vicharanti mahitale (outwardly Shaivas; in gatherings, Vaishnavas; at heart, Shaktas; under  various forms the Kaulas wander on earth). A Kaula is one who has  passed through these and other stages, which have as their own inmost doctrine (whether these worshippers know it or not) that of Kaulachara.  It is indifferent what the KaulaÕs apparent sect may be. The form is  nothing and everything. It is nothing in the sense that it has no power  to narrow the KaulaÕs own inner life; it is everything in the sense  that knowledge may infuse its apparent limitations with an universal  meaning. So understood, form is never a bond. The Vishva−sara Tantra,  says of the Kaula that "for him there is neither rule of time; nor  place. His actions are unaffected either by the phases of the moon or  the position of the stars. The Kaula roams the earth in differing  forms. At times adhering to social rules (shishta), he at others  appears, according to their standard, to be fallen (bhrashta). At times, again, he seems to be as unearthly as a ghost (bhuta  or pishacha) To him no difference is there between mud  and sandal paste, his son and an enemy, home and the cremation ground."

“At this stage the sadhaka attains to Brahma−jnana, which is the true gnosis in its perfect form. On receiving mahapurna−daksha he performs his own funeral rites and is dead to  the sangsara. Seated alone in some quiet place, he  remains in constant samadhi, and attains its  nir−vikalpa form. The Great Mother, the Supreme Prakriti  Maha−shakti, dwells in the heart of the sadhaka, which is  now the cremation ground wherein all passions have been burnt away. He  becomes a Parama−hangsa, who is liberated whilst yet  living (javan−mukta).”

“ It must not, however, be supposed that each of these stages must  necessarily be passed through by each jiva in a single life. On  the contrary, they are ordinarily traversed in the course of a  multitude of births. The weaving of the spiritual garment is  recommenced where in a previous birth, it was dropped on death. In the present life a sadhaka may commence at any stage. If he is born  into Kaulachara, and so is a Kaula in its fullest sense,  it is because in previous births he has by sadhana, in  the preliminary stages, won his entrance into it. Knowledge of Shakti  is, as the Niruttara Tantra says, acquired after many births; and,  according to the Mahanirvana Tantra, it is by merit acquired in  previous births that the mind is inclined to Kaulachara.”

Mukti, Mahanirvana Tantra (Translation by John Woodroffe “Arthur Avalon”) :

“ There are various degrees of mukti, some more perfect  than the others, and it is not, as is generally supposed, one state.  There are four future states of Bliss, or pada, being  in the nature of abodes  viz., salokya, samipya, sarupya, and sayujya  that is, living in the same  loka, or region, with the Deva worshipped; being near the  Deva,; receiving the same form or possessing the same aishvaryya  (Divine qualities) as the Deva, and becoming one with the Deva  worshipped. The abode to which the jiva attains depends upon the worshipper and the nature of his worship, which may be with, or  without, images, or of the Deva regarded as distinct from the  worshipper, and with attributes, and so forth. The four abodes are the  result of action, transitory and conditioned. Mahanirvvana, or Kaivalya, the real moksha, is the result of spiritual  knowledge (jnana), and is unconditioned and permanent.  Those who know the Brahman, recognizing that the worlds resulting from  action are imperfect, reject them, and attain to that unconditioned  Bliss which transcends them all. Kaivalya is the supreme state  of oneness without attributes, the state in which, as the Yogasutra  says, modification of the energy of consciousness is extinct, and when  it is established in its own real nature.”

“ Liberation is attainable while the body is yet living, in which case  there exists the state of jivanmukti celebrated in the  Jivanmuktigita of Dattatreya. The soul, it is true, is not really  fettered, and any appearance to the contrary is illusory. There is, in  fact, freedom, but though moksha is already in possession still,  because of the illusion that it is not yet attained, means must be  taken to remove the illusion, and the jiva who succeeds in this  is jivanmukta, though in the body, and is freed from  future embodi−ments. The enlightened Kaula, according to the  Nitya−nita, sees no difference between mud and sandal, friend and foe,  a dwelling−house and the cremation−ground. He knows that the Brahman is  all, that the Supreme soul (paramatma) and the individual  soul (jivatma) are one, and freed from all attachment he is  jivanmukta, or liberated, whilst yet living. The means whereby  mukti is attained is the yoga process (vide ante).”

I have chosen to write these excerpts from the Mahanirvana Tantra here because they are influencing  my thinking and practical life without any bias to the past, present and the future. The constant changes that I am witnessing in my life are absolutely based on the doctrine mentioned in these excerpts.

Sanjay at Nirvana

A major development

Days have passed into months and months into years. Today I have reached a stage where I am experiencing inner and outer stability. Last week my sister and her husband had visited us from Bangalore. I told my brother-in-law about my future plans. I told him about Elna also. But this incident led to an unexpected situation at our place. Two days back my Mother and I had a big argument about my plans to go to Europe. I was kind of surprised and shocked with this incident as I had never expected resistance from her side. She was the one person who had supported me all this while as regards to my plans. She also knew about Elna.

Later when I closely analyzed the situation, I understood the dynamics of this flare up. In fact there was a call from my sister to my mother just prior to the argument and that explained the whole situation.

Actually I wanted to tell my sister directly about my plans when she was here in Hyderabad. I had even invited her for a private conversation. But in the hustle and bustle of things we could not talk to each other about my plans. Later when she came to know about my talks to her husband she could not digest it and she gave a call to my mother.      

Anyways that "argument" had turned into a boon of sorts. It has transformed my relationship with my mother to a new level. Now both of us have overcome the attachment of the placenta. The relationship is at the spiritual level. I respect and love her for giving birth and nurturing me till now and she loves me as a natural Mother without any expectations. The Karmic bonds have been broken but still we are connected to each other at a higher level.  In fact this is the kind of relationship that I have with my Mother and Father. As far as my sister is concerned she had acted out of ignorance and half knowledge and therefore I have no ill feelings towards her at all. She is my sister and she would find my help whenever she would need it in real terms.

My work with BioVija is also progressing well. I am slowly developing professional connections across the world especially in Europe. Yesterday there was a mail from a friend who is based at Dubai. He was my classmate during my M.B.A days. He has promised to explore the possibilities of my immigration to Europe. This is something that has to happen sooner or later. The sooner it happens, the faster the stability would return to the universe. Time has come for me to meet Elna.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Getting drenched in heavy rains

Yesterday I got totally drenched in heavy rains. I remember two others occasions in my life apart from yesterday when I had got heavily drenched in rains. These occasions always came as good omen for me. They signified surmounting of major barriers in the system leading to new beginnings.  In that context yesterdays happenings are important. I had in fact laid down a new path for my life and getting drenched yesterday was an ominous sign indicating a crossover. It clearly revealed to me that I had broken the final barrier. This was the barrier that was holding me back from quite some time. I feel very light now and I am able to perceive the liberation of my “true self” transcending every plain of existence. 

Sanjay at Nirvana

 

Timetable

I am working to bring some order in my day to day activities. Monday to Friday afternoon is the time that I will be giving to my efforts at BioVija. From Friday afternoon to Sunday evening, I shall work on other areas of interest. Apart from this my daily routine for all the seven days in a week will have one common denominator and that would be related to my Research and Sadhana (including yogic exercises). Daily 3-4 hours will be definitely spent on this front.

Sanjay at Nirvana