Nirvana

The beginning of the end

As I sit to write today, many thoughts are coming into my mind. Last sixty days has been momentous in terms of the developments that have taken place in my life. The rapid evolution and growth that I am witnessing within myself in this short period of time is many fold higher as compared to the “learning” from last two years. The wisdom that I have gained in this short period of time is unparalleled and far more refined and pure as compared to the cumulative knowledge that I had acquired in the last two years of my life.

In fact I am comparing the last sixty days to the last two years because last two years have been the greatest learning curve in my life. This is the period when I found out that the system and the structure in which I operated was flawed from the basic foundation itself. It was absolutely inadequate to hold a creative and generative form of life. I was forced to come out of this system and systematically deconstruct and reconstruct the structures that were influencing my life.

In this context when I say that the last sixty days has been far better than the last two years in terms of learning then it is self evident as to how things have been evolving in this short period of time. Let me now pen down the dream that I had seen yesterday morning.

In the dream that I had seen yesterday morning, I see myself in a class room with a few class mates preparing for some examination. In this group I see some females and one particular male figure who was my classmate during my B.pharm days (1991-1995). As I recollect very clearly, this male classmate was a Malayalee and a Christian by religion. In this dream sequence I and my class mates are sitting together. We are in fact studying and discussing various things of intelligence. This happens for some time and then we leave for the examination centre to write our exams in the dark night.  

As we travel from the class room to the examination hall I find myself passing through thick woods with great banyan trees all around. Then we reach a place from where I can see at least 20-30 stairs which moves downward. At the place where the steps end I see the beginning of a long stretch of mud road surrounded by more banyan trees. This mud road finally ends again at a set of 20-30 stairs which move upwards. When I see this whole arrangement from the place where I am currently standing then I understand that to reach the examination hall I need to climb down the stairs then I need to pass through the mud road and finally I have to climb back the other set of stairs.

So once we understand the path I and my class mates climb down the first set of stairs. I am in the front leading the group and others are little behind me.  Climbing down the stairs I reach the mud road and start walking forward. During this time I accidently look to the left side of the mud road and astonishingly find another set of 100 stairs moving upward leading to an ancient temple in the woods surrounded by huge banyan trees and wild creepers. I look at the colossal structure in the menacing environment and get a feeling of having seen this temple before. I stand in the mud path and start looking at the temple more carefully. I see the ancient temple made up of huge roughly cut stones and I see large ferocious carvings on these stones representing beings with supernatural powers. They are the guardians of the outermost part of the temple.

As I scrutinise the temple more closely I find to my surprise a large and straight dome of the temple hidden amongst the creepers and the banyan tree. On the top of this dome I see a gigantic figure of the supreme “Adya Kali” herself. As I look into her eyes and her figure she gets disturbed and immediately she starts to move from her place. I get shocked to see her huge stone figure coming into life. As I stand stunned, I see the mother Goddess descend from the dome and glide down the 100 stairs and come to me. At this stage she immediately transforms herself into a dual form and I see both the figures sitting in front of me in a single column. I cry aloud and prostate myself in front of the god mother represented by the figure sitting on the left side which is very clear and visible to me. On the other hand I can only see a hazy dark figure sitting at the right side.

The Mother Goddess on the left side is fair and beautiful and she is wearing various ornaments and a white dress. I find myself fully prostrating in front of her and crying and asking her for just one thing that is Ultimate liberation (Moksha) from this life. At this stage the beautiful and fair God Mother smiles and says to me; Son liberation and Moksha is not achieved in one life time. It takes many lives to achieve that. Hearing her say this, I counter her. I say to her that nothing doing. I tell her emphatically that I need Moksha (Ultimate liberation) and nothing else. I further remind her about the truth that she very well knows. I tell her that I have already spent many life times pressing for total liberation and enough is enough. I categorically say that I won’t settle for anything less in this life.

Meanwhile, I find that the dark God mother figure sitting on the right side smiling and getting highly amused by my conversation with the fair god mother figure sitting on the left side. At this stage, I get little perturbed and I fearlessly say to the fair figure of Mother Goddess that I am not going to stop unless I get total liberation. Hearing this, the fair figure of Mother Goddess smilingly tells the dark hazy figure sitting beside her that this guy is very adamant and therefore now onwards you take care of him. I can feel the black goddess nodding her head and smiling back to the fair one in agreement.

During this period I try to touch the feet of the fair god mother. Every time I try to touch her feet, I end up touching her white robe and every time I touch the white robe, she moves it away from me. This is when I hear my classmates behind me praying to the two goddesses sitting in front of us. My classmates are just behind me and the male classmate prays to the two goddesses by telling that in his religion the god mother exists as the black Madonna and the white Madonna.

This is the time when my dream is broken and I partially get up from my sleep. It is around seven in the morning and I am still in my bed "half asleep" and in a semiconscious state. I hear the mantra chants from a nearby temple. At this stage I start recollecting the dream in my mind. As the dream sequence is repeated in my mind I start a mind conversation with the supreme “Adya Kali”. I say to her that let what may come but I shall still make her come in front of me again and again. I will not accept anything less than total liberation. I further say the following. I am the victorious one who rules the three worlds. I control the kings and the lands. I control the whole universe but I am not happy with any of this. I don’t have any meaning for any of this as I am above all this. All of this is trivial and grass for me. I am the supreme Brahman and I know my source and that is you my supreme mother. You are the primordial one. You are my mother, my spouse and my source of creation. You have to devour me and absorb me unto yourself. When I will cease to exist then I shall achieve you. I have to achieve total liberation as I know your "true" form now. I know your primordial form and also your dualistic appearances. Once somebody has seen your primordial form you cannot stop him/her achieve the real you. Any hindrance in this path can shake the universe upside down. Therefore supreme mother goddess you have to create the path for me to reach you. In front of you, I don’t have an “ego” as I know that when I achieve you, I achieve the ultimate truth of darkness and nothingness. I know pretty well that there is nothing beyond you therefore there is no meaning for me to exist once I have achieved you. But till I achieve you, I shall persist by following you. Nothing can come in my way and nothing can stop me from achieving you. I shall shake you from your abode and I shall bring you “inside” me again and again till you totally accept me and give me ultimate liberation by devouring and merging me totally with you. I can’t leave you my supreme mother (the primordial one) as much as you can’t leave me now.                                    

I shall interpret this dream in a single paragraph. The rest I leave up to the readers. First of all whatever I have written here should not be confused with the conventional worldly human relationships. In fact this dream has been the direct result of my Tantric Sadhana which is progressing leaps and bounds in the present times. The original figure of “Adya Kali” that I had seen is the absolute truth behind the universe whereas the dualistic figures that I had seen are the covers of illusion. Whatever the fair figure of God Mother said to me is the work of illusion and the purpose of this illusion is to keep me grounded in the elaborate scheme of the universe. The fair figure represents the Mahamaya and the dark figure represents the hidden truth and “Adya Kali” represents both. The people who can overcome the illusions created by the dualistic nature and perceive the “Adya Kali” can definitely work towards their own total liberation even while living in this dualistic world.      

The solar eclipse that took place just two days back was the manifestation of the hidden truth. It showed that eventually the “creative source” behind every form of “light” in this universe is darkness. The solar eclipse was a premonition for the things to come. It has unravelled a new era and a new age. This is the age when the truth shall prevail at the beginning, the middle and the end. No individual, structure or system would be able to hide behind the scheme of sops, falsehood, lies and deceit. All selfish and personal interests for promoting one’s own self (from the narrowest to widest possible meaning) will come into the open and all illusions and false structures that have been built in this universe will be ruthlessly broken down and devoured without emotions and remorse.  

Sanjay at Nirvana    

My recollections from Yesterday

I got up yesterday morning from a very disturbing dream. I saw myself engaged in sexual activities (of a particular kind) with two actresses from Indian Cinema (Bollywood). These sexual activities are of the type which I am found of and which can be called as a fetish. The actresses in question represented two extreme ends. One of the actresses was somebody whom I had liked to some extent (for a cause that she represents) and the other one was somebody whom I never liked from the beginning (for no particular reason). In between these sexual activities I was forced to chew and eat some semi-dead green creatures which were neither fish nor frog but something in between with big fish like eyes (This sequence had a very-very depressing affect on me when I got up from the dream). The more I was made to chew and eat these semi-dead creatures, the more I vomited them out in a half-chewed green powdery form. 

I was having the sex with the two actresses in turns. I enjoyed the sexual activity with the first actress (the actress attached to a cause) but my sexual activity with the second actress was very unpleasant as I did not like it. It was in fact revolting. This sexual orgy in my dream was broken when my father barged into the room in the dream sequence. My mother also came into the room from behind. Both had entered into the room with an intention to stop our activities. But as my father entered into the room, I and the two actresses stood up and resented his entry into the room. At this stage the dream was broken and I became partially awake. It was around 5:00 A.M. I could hear the morning prayers from a nearby mosque. I did not get up from the bed and in the semi-conscious state I was saying to myself (in my mind) that I am the ultimate Brahman and I absorb and devour every part of the dream that I saw.

I went to sleep again and finally woke up around 7:00 A.M. Before waking up again, I saw another dream in which I was standing in a railway station with an erstwhile colleague from my past. We had worked together for the same pharmaceutical company from 2003 to 2007. I said "good bye" to this colleague as I was ready to catch a train and leave for a completely different destination. But every time I tried to catch my train I was finding to my dismay that I ended up missing it because of one or the other reason. This erstwhile colleague who was standing beside me was vicariously enjoying my turmoil. He was envious of me and he was pestering me to stay on. He was suggesting that I should become a teacher as that was the thing that I had done in the past. On hearing this I vehemently opposed him and told him that he did not really know about my career path and goals and he should stop interfering in my things. Further I counter questioned his career path and past work related experiences. At this stage I got up from my sleep and the consequence of two disturbing and taxing dreams was visible on my mind and body.

I shall reserve my interpretations for these two dreams for sometime as I need to get into the groove and connect the loose endings of this dream with "things" that are happening with me in my conscious awakened state and the changes that are taking place in the external environment.

Sanjay at Nirvana    

India U.S ties

I was watching the T.V yesterday as well as today morning. I feel very happy to see that the visit (to India) of Hillary Clinton, Secretary of States, United States of America is turning into a path breaking event. This is especially true for India’s relationship with USA. The surge in the relationship had started with the visit of President Bill Clinton in the year 2000 which was followed by the visit of President George Bush in the year 2006.

I sincerely hope that this visit to India by Hillary Clinton and the forthcoming visit by President Barack Obama, the current U.S President would change the way USA looks at India. It is high time that India is dehyphenated from the past cliché(s) and is seen as a sovereign nation with her own independent identity.                    

Sanjay at Nirvana

The French connection

Last week Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was in France to attend the French National Day celebrations which falls on 14^th of July. I had a glimpse of the Bastille Day Military parade on T.V. which is part of the French National Day celebrations and where Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was invited as the chief guest. It was a very impressive parade especially the precise parachute landing of the French military personal.

I was kind of happy seeing a "lady" in the parachute team when President Nicolas Sarkosy and Prime Minister Singh went to greet the parachute personal after they had landed in the middle of the parade ground.

It was good to see the Prime Minister of India in France as it was good to see President of France in India for our republic day parade earlier this year. I feel that France and India have not exploited their relationship to the fullest potential. There are many areas where the two countries can cooperate in a big manner.

Personally I am a fan of the French culture though I must admit that I don’t know much about it. I am attracted to the French language in some or the other way and of course the fashion shows from Paris on FTV has always remained my favourite. Then the biggest connection is July 14. I am kind of surprised and mysteriously allured to the fact that my birthday falls on the French National day.

Sanjay at Nirvana

The Nation of Sleeping Warriors

India’s approach to its affairs either domestic or international is always short of satisfaction. This is absolutely true keeping in mind the actual potential that this nation has. We always tend to cave in to pressures whether national or international. Somehow this nation has lost the will to chart its own destiny. It is seen as a pushover internationally. Moreover the internal squabbling makes this nation look like a dirty pond full of frogs pulling down each other’s legs.  

This has been a nation of warriors and a martial race irrespective of any caste or religion. Even the father of the nation was a fighter and a warrior of the highest order. But somehow we have not understood the essence of this Man.  Ghandi was a man with immense will power and stubbornness. He had this inner courage and strength which defined his personality. Nobody could budge him from his chosen position once he had decided to do something. He was a master mind reader. He would read the mind of a friend or an adversary or the nation or the world at large and position himself accordingly. However positioning himself to the occasion would not change his original stand. He would stick to his guns and would speak up his mind quite frankly. What made his actions noble was the fact that he had a higher purpose behind everything that he did.  

But it is so sad that my countrymen and women have not understood the essence of Ghandi. We only see the exterior mechanisms that he had employed to fight an adversary in his times. We try to blindly follow what he did in his times for success in today’s scenario. Today’s times are different and as a nation we have to reinvent and reassert ourselves. For this we need to rekindle our warrior spirit which is so natural in our people. We have to understand and imbibe the essence of the Man called Ghandi. Otherwise we will be always kept at the sidelines in the comity of nations.

Strength respects strength. Nothing else is of value in the "brand" of World order that exists today. But to command respect internationally you need to put your house in order before anything else.

Sanjay at Nirvana

Girls in my life

Yesterday I chatted with my friend with whom I have this relationship going on. It has been quite some time that we chatted to each other. I told her about the things I am doing and asked about her new job. She told me that she is doing fine in the new job. Surprisingly she asked about my future plans including marriage. Once again I told her the same thing that I have been telling her before. I also told her that I wanted to meet her and she said that she will plan the meeting soon. Let’s see. In fact her mobile was not working recently and she gave me a new number so that we could keep in touch. Today I also got a chat message from my beloved staying in Spain. That was another good thing to happen.

Sanjay at Nirvana

My dream job

Yesterday I received a much awaited mail from the consultant for the Pune opening in the multinational company called as Fresenius Kabi. The consultant has asked my updated resume for further action. I replied to them asking for a week’s time. I may now send them my updated resume mentioning all my details which shall include the personal. In fact this resume will cover Project-9, the website and the blog which is focussed on my research activities.

Sanjay at Nirvana

The game of Chess

I slept around 2:45 A.M after playing a round of Chess with the computer. I have been playing level seven since last 2 months. My record was very poor against the computer. Till 13^th of July 2009, I had played around 175 games and I had won just 13-14 % of the games with a longest losing streak of 43 games at a stretch. I always play the black pieces and allow the white pieces to attack first.  From 14^th of July there was a complete reversal of circumstances. I had the longest winning streak of 11 games at a stretch and the winning ways are continuing thereafter. I had just lost 4 games after 14^th of July 2009.  Now the statistics show that out of 208 games played I have won 50 games with a win percentage of 24%.

This is absolutely remarkable to happen (in just two days time) and I see in this "event" the beginning of a new order. There is a wider implication for the universe as I see the hidden meaning behind all this. For me chess is more than a game. In fact it is a peek into the working of the universe and its forces. Now I can understand the structures behind the game and I am able to pre-empt any strike with ease. More than that, I am able to mount a counter strike which is ruthless and deadly for the aggressor. I shall record notes on the various messages that I get by playing the game on a continuous manner.      

Sanjay at Nirvana  

Today I was working from early morning

Today I was working from early morning. I worked till 2:45 A.M and went to sleep thereafter. As I was doing research on the tantric texts and formulas, I got initiated into the art and science of experimenting with the formation of the primary Mantras (with the seed-syllables), Spells (Dharanis) and long combinations elaborating the formation of the universe. You cannot get a green signal to do this unless you have reached a particular level of purity through rigorous practice of the scared doctrine.

Once you identify yourself with the Universe and the supreme Brahman then the secret doors are opened to you and these are the doors which show the path of ultimate liberation. To just have the doors opend to you, it takes years (many life times) of Sadhana and Penance.

Sanjay at Nirvana

 

16 July 2009

So another day has dawned. I have to think what I need to do today. Apart from writing I have to seriously think how to carry on my work on the website that I had created in the year 2008. There is a visible stagnation in that front. I need to slowly restart the work on the website so that the building process goes on. Other areas to focus are: my reading and research in the area of Tantric practices. Meanwhile I am also closely watching as regard to any job opportunity that is available in my main professional domain. My resume is online and I get regular update on the available opportunities. The problem is that I have not been able to get a steady employment as yet after my last assignment. I had left my last job in the year 2007 and since then it has been a long wait for the kind of opportunity that I am looking for.

Mornings are especially tough. My system has been accustomed to getting early and getting a head start with the day. This has been the routine for most of my academic and professional life till now. It is only from past six months that I have lost touch with my early morning routines. Even after leaving my last assignment in the year 2007 I had maintained the morning routine for the next one and half years but since last six months everything has changed. My morning routine mainly consisted of the normal morning chores, abdominal exercises and reciting the Mantras. The Mantra recitation is still going on in the evening but my exercise routine has been disturbed. Something has to be done at this front also.

Reading the Times of India paper is another habit that has become part of the morning routine now. This was not the case earlier. Today there was nothing special in it. If I have to recollect something then it is the front page news article which talks of the resumption of India-Pak talks. I wonder what these people talk about as there is nothing to talk now. It is time for action and not talks. Pakistan should concentrate on its campaign in the western front. That should be their prime focus as the very survival of Pakistan as a modern State depends upon its victory against all the extremist forces that are operating on its soil. For India it would be wise to look at the Naxal menace more closely. Everybody knows why the “State” was soft on these forces earlier. It is good that this problem is now clearly categorized as a terrorist activity. At least the ambiguity in this regard has been removed.       

Hillary is coming to India. I read in yesterday’s paper that she would be staying in Taj at Mumbai. I like this woman very much. I have a kind of personal attachment with her. This connection was at the highest operational level during her last presidential bid. Every victory and every loss she suffered during those days resonated in my psyche. There was another article regarding Sarah in today’s news paper. She is another lady who faces the wrath of the system for sticking her neck out in the mud. Who says witch hunting does not happen today! Only the form has changed but the essence remains. It is good that the sperm cells can be now produced in a test tube or a Petri dish. I really mean what I am saying by that. The future looks to be promising.

Sanjay at Nirvana