Nirvana

The Chronicle of the last two years that I had spent with my parents

In the month of July 2007 I came to Hyderabad to live with my parents after leaving my job in Ahmedabad under very harsh circumstances. This was also the time when my marriage was in tatters and as soon as I came to Hyderabad I had to face the music of a bitter divorce. The first year in Hyderabad was full of turmoil. I was coming in terms with the fact that I had an extraordinary ability because of my Tantric practices. But this awareness dawned on me in a gradual fashion and during this period of evolution I suffered immense mental agony and trauma. I was put into continuous torture by the circumstances and situations that were developing in the external environment. I was ridiculed, despised and unnecessarily harassed from all quarters. Above all, I had to watch the sufferings of my parents due to a bitter divorce proceeding involving my former wife and in laws.  

But this time was also very fruitful for me in terms of spiritual and intellectual evolution. This was the period when I laid down the foundation for Project-9. This was also the beginning of relatively good times for my immediate family. I can say this because as my marriage ended in a divorce in Feb -08 a new beginning took place in my family with my sister’s engagement and announcement of her marriage date. She was to get wed in the month of Aug-08 which eventually happened with the blessings of the universe. Meanwhile my inward development continued and I created a new structure in the form of a website and a project devoted to women. But again during all these changes I and my family had very tough moments also. My sister suffered a lot before her eventual marriage in Aug-08. I am not mentioning here the sufferings she and my parents had to endure for last 10 years owing to her late marriage but I am specifically mentioning about a knee operation that she had to undergo just 3-4 months before her marriage in Aug-08. That was a very disturbing event for all of us in the family.

After my sister’s marriage, I continued with my project related to the website devoted to women till Nov-08. After Nov-08 I could sense that the time had come for dramatic changes. I lost interest in the typical morning worship of the goddess that I was doing till now. Meanwhile I landed up with a consultant job in a CRO in the month of March-09 which taught me further lessons. I learned not to carry unnecessary burden of others on my shoulders. This job taught me the repercussions of helping somebody who is not ready to take the help. It taught me how people can go to great lengths to achieve short term selfish gains and when they see that you can read their selfish intentions how they dump you without remorse. It was truly after this experience of two months with a CRO in Hyderabad that I learned that you can only help “those” who are ready to be helped in the first place. It also taught me that anyone who tries to steal anything from you or anyone who tries to take things from you forcefully or with the intention of deceit will land themselves in a greater mess created by their own selfish motives.  This is applicable to people, larger society, nations or any other larger structures for that matter.   

From April-09 till now my tantric sadhana has progressed leaps and bounds. I have great clarity on what I need to do now and so I am focussing on things that I need to do for building a creative and sustainable future which is beneficial for my own self and the larger universe. I have learned to stop time, squeeze my past, present and future and absorb them deep inside me. By doing this I am literally free from the clutches of time and death. From here onwards I can choose to reshape things as I see fit for myself. I can see the past, present and future and enter into any sphere and reshape it as per my inner need and the need of the larger universe.

Here when I refer to “me” or “myself”, I am not referring to the limited egoistic illusion of the “self” that is created by living in a world which is blind to the absolute truth. Here “me” or “myself” represents the “inner universe” of the self and it is nothing but the manifestation of the “universal soul” that exists in all of us but which remains concealed due to the false ego. The “inner universe” is the creative, preservative and destructive force of nature and it is therefore the essential part of the larger universe but it also more than that. The “inner universe” can remain detached from the larger created universe even while being part of its dualistic ways.

Time stopped for me somewhere in the month of April-09 or May-09 when suddenly the main clock in my room stopped because it ran out of battery. Since then I have kept that clock at 10:10 dead. I shall delve into the subject of making time irrelevant through tantric sadhana in greater depths in my future writings.

Now let me come back to the things that I am focusing now. I have consciously started working on getting active employment so that I can get into a creative mode and carry on my research in many areas of interest.  When I say active employment it means getting a job that I had long cherished for. This is a job in product management of a multinational pharmaceutical or biotech or medical device firm possibly in India for the time being or abroad. I am firmly convinced that this is the right route to carry my research forward in all respects. My research is to dwell in the essence of life itself. I believe in integrating various disciplines to understand, control and modify the structures that govern life and the existence of the universe. Further I want to positively contribute in the revelation of the absolute truth behind this illusionary world.

At home everybody is far better than two years ago. Mother and Father are enjoying better mental peace than two years back. Father’s earnings have increased thanks to the sixth pay commission from the government of India.  Their physical health is also improving due to proper medication and healthcare support. Sister is happily married and she is celebrating her first marriage anniversary tomorrow.

Things are changing all around me but I stand still as I have stopped time. I shall participate in the journey of life but I shall do it in my own terms as defined by the larger purpose of my life.

Sanjay at Nirvana  

               

 

Today it is August 15: The Independence day of India

Today India celebrates the 62^nd year of Independence from the colonial rule. As usual the television and print media is full of stuff devoted to Independence Day celebrations. Independence has different meaning for different people. For me Indian Independence Day connotes nothing special. I have been living a life of bondage in my own nation for quite some time. I am just another guy and for a guy like me who is a little different and who does not fit into the conventional mode, there is no freedom. In India, Independence Day is celebrated and driven by the wealthy, the powerful and the so called celebrities who dominate the mind and space of the masses like a heavy dose of Opium. It is their false life that is celebrated in the name of Independence. The idea is to keep the masses in a dream world of perpetual infinity.

Anyways this won’t continue for long as this kind of false structure and false euphoria cannot be sustained forever. When the true consciousness of the commoners will get awakened then the real India would emerge.  I shall consciously wait for that day to come.  

Sanjay at Nirvana

Why I can’t live in India anymore and what can make me live in India if there is a choice?

I cannot hide things. The truth is that if I have to contribute creatively to the universe then I have to leave the place of my birth for the time being. India is my motherland but I have a calling to travel beyond the shores of my motherland to spread her name and her pristine glory. After many-many years I may come back to my motherland when she shall call me for the final journey but for now I need to move. This is a truth that cannot be denied. On the other hand if I get a choice to live in my country for some more time then I shall spend this time in preparation for my eventual journey towards the place where I have to go.  But I will definitely see that whatever time I am spending here is constructive and beneficial for myself as well as others who are associated with me in whatever way possible.       

Sanjay at Nirvana   

I Love Elna and that is the absolute truth for me

If there is anything called as Love for me then it is my feelings for Elna. It is little different from the normal worldly definition of Love but it can be still categorized as Love because I strongly feel for her and I have this great urge to be with her. I feel that if we come together then it shall help us to rediscover the threads from our past (many life times) and it shall help us to work on them. Only by undertaking this we can finish the unfinished work that has been left over from our common past.  

Sanjay at Nirvana

Why is Elna so important for me?

Elna is part of the unfinished agenda from my past many lives. She is somebody who will be playing an active part in shaping the things that I am going to do for the rest of my life. I have a connection with her which is beyond one life time. I feel close to her in every respect that includes spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and physical. I have told her about this.

Sanjay at Nirvana   

I need to leave for Europe but how?

This is a fact that I cannot hide. I have to leave for Europe for the next phase of my life. There is great inner urge that pushes all my activities towards fulfilling this desire. I have been trying to find a clear path towards this direction but I have not got a way out as yet. There are many obstacles and constraints that I need to account for. I have to leave for Europe but how?  This is the question that is troubling me from quite some time. The best possible way (that I can think of) is to get back into active employment either here or elsewhere and carry on with the work of building the foundation for achieving my dreams.   

Sanjay at Nirvana

The Attacks which have cost us dear

Yesterday I saw a dream where I found myself clashing with various tantrics who were trying to destroy my sadhana. In this dream I was trying to evoke the primordial goddess in me. The more I was working on this direction the more I was attacked by tantric figures trying to destroy my penance and sadhana. These ignorant attackers did not know that in fact they were not attacking me but they were attacking the primordial goddess herself.

In the next sequence of the dream I perceive that with the will of the goddess I codify her in a few powerful unknown mantras and absorb her deep into myself. After this when the attacks of the tantrics increase to the highest fury I give a final blow to their acts through a very powerful tantric performance. After destroying the tantrics and their manipulations I stand still. At this juncture I find a Man telling me that it is time that we go and open the door of the temple and look for the goddess. He says that as I had destroyed all the hindrances in the path I should immediately seek for the goddess now. But as this Man opens the door of the temple he finds to his shock that the goddess is already gone from her seat. Only one of the footwear of the goddess is what that is left.

At this point in time I think about the repercussions of all the virulent attacks of my detractors. In the false notion of attacking me they have been systematically attacking their own source of power which had now left their land for good. They were cutting the tree on which they were sitting. I am now certain that I have to leave because I have been attacked so much (for liberating the goddess) that now I have no intrinsic value left in me to continue in the land where I was born. The Goddess has transformed herself into an unreachable essence (concealed) and in this form she has gone deep inside me. Now I have to bring her back in a new abode where she pleases to exert herself.

Meanwhile it is not a completely disappointing situation for the land where I was born. Still one of the footwear of the goddess remains in the temple. If people of the land learn their lessons and if they evoke for her return with true sincerity then may be after some time (many-many years later) the goddess shall return as a free force to the land where she was unfortunately bonded for a long-long time.

The dream and the contents of my thinking in the dream are directly related to the struggle that I have been facing in my real life for quite some time. The harsh and ruthless treatment meted out to me by the people of my land has somehow made me to withdraw the creative life force that was so vital for me to contribute to the larger good of the universe. The creative phase was replaced by a self consuming destructive phase. Now how much this is affecting me and the external universe is not easy to judge but yes many things are transparently visible now. The only way to stop this destructive cycle is to get back into a creative, generative and self-persevering cycle which benefits me and the external environment. For that to happen I need to find a new setting which is amicable and conducive for creative and generative outlet of energies.

You don’t cut down a large plant or a tree because it has stopped giving visible flowers or fruits for some time. Flowers and fruits only come when the environment is encouraging for the plant or tree to grow in a sustained manner and what we need to further understand is that even when the plant or tree is not giving flowers or fruits for the time being, still it is contributing in a vital manner. It is in fact supplying the life supporting force that we need for basic survival.              

Moreover we need to understand that consuming extraordinary resources for our selfish gains won’t allow those resources to last long. They have to be liberated and shared. Only then their vigour and potency increases manifold for everybody’s benefit.

Sanjay at Nirvana               

I am still awed by my last writing based on a path breaking dream

My last writing was under the category of Psychic fete. It was regarding one of those dreams which can be called as path breaking in terms of its impact on my thinking and the way I look at things. I am still trying to comprehend the full impact of that dream on me and the larger universe. I did not write for last one week because of this dream and its lingering influence on me. Though lot of things had happened in my internal and external environment during this interlude, I still chose to defer my writings because of the huge tectonic shift that I had in my perception since my last writing. I have identified many topics on which I need to write now and I shall take up these subjects in my writings one after another in the next 10-15 days. Meanwhile various other things are also happening in my life apart from my research and writing activities. These will be anyways reflected in my writings as I pen down various events across the spectrum.

Sanjay at Nirvana