Nirvana

Orphan

Yesterday, I saw the movie Orphan directed by Jaume Collet-Serra. Though many of the scenarios looked unlikely in the beginning but as the story unfolded, the portrayal of the darker side of a 33 years old mentally and medically challenged Woman in a Child’s body looked realistic to some extent.  

Though I am saturated to these kind of expressions, it was unusual for me to find myself graduating from a thought process which reflected a beautiful and intelligent Girl kid in the beginning to pure desperation of a tightly cornered “psyche” by the end of the movie.  

After watching this motion picture, I ponder upon the concept of “restriction” and its immense creative potential for the benefit of the “self” and the “universe” provided the “lurking energy” is slowly and meticulously channelized towards the desired end which creates and preserves the “original freedom” among the falling restrictions and limitations.      

Sanjay at Nirvana

Mother, Father & Me

Today early morning, I saw two dreams in succession. In the first dream, I saw myself wearing a black robe and my head was bald. The situation of the dream was such wherein I was interacting with my environment and a third person was commenting on the unfolding sequence of events in the dream.

In the first dream I was upset with Lord Shiva and with hurt emotions and feelings I marked a round circle on the ground and started hardcore penance of the fierce Goddess Kali who was standing in front of me as a black and terrifying personality. The More I did penance on Goddess Kali; the more I was getting absorbed into her scheme of things. I was becoming her beloved and at this stage the sequence of the dream changed with Lord Shiva and me facing each other. In fact in this sequence, Lord Shiva and I were becoming one. I saw his radiance and power getting transmitted into me and he uttered the following words-“Oh, You and me are becoming one. My radiance and energy is getting transmitted to you”.

Again at this juncture the sequence changed and both I (in my black robe with bald head) and Lord Shiva started running with each other. I was trying to take something from the hands of the Lord and the Lord threw it far away in an open ground. We both then ran to that thing that was tossed far away in the open ground. In this sequence, I represented the Mother (Goddess Kali) and I was competing with my Father (Lord Shiva).    

In the second dream, I found myself to be representing both my Mother (Goddess Kali) and my Father (Lord Shiva). In this sequence I found to be surrounded by Girls who were helping me give birth to a child. After the labor (helped by the girls), I gave birth to a male child whom I picked up in my hands immediately and fondled with affection. To my astonishment and to the astonishment of the girls surrounding me, this infant boy started speaking divine words. When we wondered aloud as to how an infant can speak and speak such divine words, the infant boy replied back to us. He said that he is able to speak because he has the “Gurutattva” inherited from his parents that is Goddess Kali and Lord Shiva.

At this juncture I woke up and immediately my mind conveyed to me the interpretations of the two dreams. The first dream represented my early spiritual conflict wherein I decided to focus exclusively on my Mother (Goddess Kali) and in the bargain I started taking the form of my Father (Lord Shiva).

The second dream represented my spiritual development where now I could find the Mother (Goddess Kali) and Father (Lord Shiva) as part of me in a non-dualistic form. So in this situation, whatever I was giving birth to (creating) represented the ultimate truth of my supreme Guru (Gurutattva).

Two months back I had seen another dream where I was standing in front of an Old couple and as I touched the feet of the Old Wise Man, he immediately blessed me. But when I bowed to touch the feet of the Old Woman, she moved away. When, again I tried to touch her feet, again she moved back. Seeing this happen, the Old Wise Man took his walking stick and strongly pricked it on the back of the Old Woman. Because of this the Old Woman moved forward and I was able to touch both her feet. As I woke up from this dream my mind conveyed to me the correlation of this dream to a dream that I had seen many months back which I had penned down at that time. In that dream, I had tried to touch the feet of Maha Maya ( one of the two dualistic forms of the Supreme Adya Kali) but she did not allow me to do that. Thereafter I went on with my penance directed at the Adya Kali (Supreme feminine represented by the black void and the infinite potential to be) and the Supreme Brahman (the infinite and the eternal consciousness). After three to four months of this hardcore penance, I saw this dream of the “old couple” which I have mentioned above. Through this dream, I had earned the right to Know Maha Maya and suggest the required changes to her for the betterment of the universe. My mind said that I have been empowered to excel and show a new direction to the manifested universe.

Sanjay at Nirvana

The Attacks which have cost us dear

Yesterday I saw a dream where I found myself clashing with various tantrics who were trying to destroy my sadhana. In this dream I was trying to evoke the primordial goddess in me. The more I was working on this direction the more I was attacked by tantric figures trying to destroy my penance and sadhana. These ignorant attackers did not know that in fact they were not attacking me but they were attacking the primordial goddess herself.

In the next sequence of the dream I perceive that with the will of the goddess I codify her in a few powerful unknown mantras and absorb her deep into myself. After this when the attacks of the tantrics increase to the highest fury I give a final blow to their acts through a very powerful tantric performance. After destroying the tantrics and their manipulations I stand still. At this juncture I find a Man telling me that it is time that we go and open the door of the temple and look for the goddess. He says that as I had destroyed all the hindrances in the path I should immediately seek for the goddess now. But as this Man opens the door of the temple he finds to his shock that the goddess is already gone from her seat. Only one of the footwear of the goddess is what that is left.

At this point in time I think about the repercussions of all the virulent attacks of my detractors. In the false notion of attacking me they have been systematically attacking their own source of power which had now left their land for good. They were cutting the tree on which they were sitting. I am now certain that I have to leave because I have been attacked so much (for liberating the goddess) that now I have no intrinsic value left in me to continue in the land where I was born. The Goddess has transformed herself into an unreachable essence (concealed) and in this form she has gone deep inside me. Now I have to bring her back in a new abode where she pleases to exert herself.

Meanwhile it is not a completely disappointing situation for the land where I was born. Still one of the footwear of the goddess remains in the temple. If people of the land learn their lessons and if they evoke for her return with true sincerity then may be after some time (many-many years later) the goddess shall return as a free force to the land where she was unfortunately bonded for a long-long time.

The dream and the contents of my thinking in the dream are directly related to the struggle that I have been facing in my real life for quite some time. The harsh and ruthless treatment meted out to me by the people of my land has somehow made me to withdraw the creative life force that was so vital for me to contribute to the larger good of the universe. The creative phase was replaced by a self consuming destructive phase. Now how much this is affecting me and the external universe is not easy to judge but yes many things are transparently visible now. The only way to stop this destructive cycle is to get back into a creative, generative and self-persevering cycle which benefits me and the external environment. For that to happen I need to find a new setting which is amicable and conducive for creative and generative outlet of energies.

You don’t cut down a large plant or a tree because it has stopped giving visible flowers or fruits for some time. Flowers and fruits only come when the environment is encouraging for the plant or tree to grow in a sustained manner and what we need to further understand is that even when the plant or tree is not giving flowers or fruits for the time being, still it is contributing in a vital manner. It is in fact supplying the life supporting force that we need for basic survival.              

Moreover we need to understand that consuming extraordinary resources for our selfish gains won’t allow those resources to last long. They have to be liberated and shared. Only then their vigour and potency increases manifold for everybody’s benefit.

Sanjay at Nirvana               

The beginning of the end

As I sit to write today, many thoughts are coming into my mind. Last sixty days has been momentous in terms of the developments that have taken place in my life. The rapid evolution and growth that I am witnessing within myself in this short period of time is many fold higher as compared to the “learning” from last two years. The wisdom that I have gained in this short period of time is unparalleled and far more refined and pure as compared to the cumulative knowledge that I had acquired in the last two years of my life.

In fact I am comparing the last sixty days to the last two years because last two years have been the greatest learning curve in my life. This is the period when I found out that the system and the structure in which I operated was flawed from the basic foundation itself. It was absolutely inadequate to hold a creative and generative form of life. I was forced to come out of this system and systematically deconstruct and reconstruct the structures that were influencing my life.

In this context when I say that the last sixty days has been far better than the last two years in terms of learning then it is self evident as to how things have been evolving in this short period of time. Let me now pen down the dream that I had seen yesterday morning.

In the dream that I had seen yesterday morning, I see myself in a class room with a few class mates preparing for some examination. In this group I see some females and one particular male figure who was my classmate during my B.pharm days (1991-1995). As I recollect very clearly, this male classmate was a Malayalee and a Christian by religion. In this dream sequence I and my class mates are sitting together. We are in fact studying and discussing various things of intelligence. This happens for some time and then we leave for the examination centre to write our exams in the dark night.  

As we travel from the class room to the examination hall I find myself passing through thick woods with great banyan trees all around. Then we reach a place from where I can see at least 20-30 stairs which moves downward. At the place where the steps end I see the beginning of a long stretch of mud road surrounded by more banyan trees. This mud road finally ends again at a set of 20-30 stairs which move upwards. When I see this whole arrangement from the place where I am currently standing then I understand that to reach the examination hall I need to climb down the stairs then I need to pass through the mud road and finally I have to climb back the other set of stairs.

So once we understand the path I and my class mates climb down the first set of stairs. I am in the front leading the group and others are little behind me.  Climbing down the stairs I reach the mud road and start walking forward. During this time I accidently look to the left side of the mud road and astonishingly find another set of 100 stairs moving upward leading to an ancient temple in the woods surrounded by huge banyan trees and wild creepers. I look at the colossal structure in the menacing environment and get a feeling of having seen this temple before. I stand in the mud path and start looking at the temple more carefully. I see the ancient temple made up of huge roughly cut stones and I see large ferocious carvings on these stones representing beings with supernatural powers. They are the guardians of the outermost part of the temple.

As I scrutinise the temple more closely I find to my surprise a large and straight dome of the temple hidden amongst the creepers and the banyan tree. On the top of this dome I see a gigantic figure of the supreme “Adya Kali” herself. As I look into her eyes and her figure she gets disturbed and immediately she starts to move from her place. I get shocked to see her huge stone figure coming into life. As I stand stunned, I see the mother Goddess descend from the dome and glide down the 100 stairs and come to me. At this stage she immediately transforms herself into a dual form and I see both the figures sitting in front of me in a single column. I cry aloud and prostate myself in front of the god mother represented by the figure sitting on the left side which is very clear and visible to me. On the other hand I can only see a hazy dark figure sitting at the right side.

The Mother Goddess on the left side is fair and beautiful and she is wearing various ornaments and a white dress. I find myself fully prostrating in front of her and crying and asking her for just one thing that is Ultimate liberation (Moksha) from this life. At this stage the beautiful and fair God Mother smiles and says to me; Son liberation and Moksha is not achieved in one life time. It takes many lives to achieve that. Hearing her say this, I counter her. I say to her that nothing doing. I tell her emphatically that I need Moksha (Ultimate liberation) and nothing else. I further remind her about the truth that she very well knows. I tell her that I have already spent many life times pressing for total liberation and enough is enough. I categorically say that I won’t settle for anything less in this life.

Meanwhile, I find that the dark God mother figure sitting on the right side smiling and getting highly amused by my conversation with the fair god mother figure sitting on the left side. At this stage, I get little perturbed and I fearlessly say to the fair figure of Mother Goddess that I am not going to stop unless I get total liberation. Hearing this, the fair figure of Mother Goddess smilingly tells the dark hazy figure sitting beside her that this guy is very adamant and therefore now onwards you take care of him. I can feel the black goddess nodding her head and smiling back to the fair one in agreement.

During this period I try to touch the feet of the fair god mother. Every time I try to touch her feet, I end up touching her white robe and every time I touch the white robe, she moves it away from me. This is when I hear my classmates behind me praying to the two goddesses sitting in front of us. My classmates are just behind me and the male classmate prays to the two goddesses by telling that in his religion the god mother exists as the black Madonna and the white Madonna.

This is the time when my dream is broken and I partially get up from my sleep. It is around seven in the morning and I am still in my bed "half asleep" and in a semiconscious state. I hear the mantra chants from a nearby temple. At this stage I start recollecting the dream in my mind. As the dream sequence is repeated in my mind I start a mind conversation with the supreme “Adya Kali”. I say to her that let what may come but I shall still make her come in front of me again and again. I will not accept anything less than total liberation. I further say the following. I am the victorious one who rules the three worlds. I control the kings and the lands. I control the whole universe but I am not happy with any of this. I don’t have any meaning for any of this as I am above all this. All of this is trivial and grass for me. I am the supreme Brahman and I know my source and that is you my supreme mother. You are the primordial one. You are my mother, my spouse and my source of creation. You have to devour me and absorb me unto yourself. When I will cease to exist then I shall achieve you. I have to achieve total liberation as I know your "true" form now. I know your primordial form and also your dualistic appearances. Once somebody has seen your primordial form you cannot stop him/her achieve the real you. Any hindrance in this path can shake the universe upside down. Therefore supreme mother goddess you have to create the path for me to reach you. In front of you, I don’t have an “ego” as I know that when I achieve you, I achieve the ultimate truth of darkness and nothingness. I know pretty well that there is nothing beyond you therefore there is no meaning for me to exist once I have achieved you. But till I achieve you, I shall persist by following you. Nothing can come in my way and nothing can stop me from achieving you. I shall shake you from your abode and I shall bring you “inside” me again and again till you totally accept me and give me ultimate liberation by devouring and merging me totally with you. I can’t leave you my supreme mother (the primordial one) as much as you can’t leave me now.                                    

I shall interpret this dream in a single paragraph. The rest I leave up to the readers. First of all whatever I have written here should not be confused with the conventional worldly human relationships. In fact this dream has been the direct result of my Tantric Sadhana which is progressing leaps and bounds in the present times. The original figure of “Adya Kali” that I had seen is the absolute truth behind the universe whereas the dualistic figures that I had seen are the covers of illusion. Whatever the fair figure of God Mother said to me is the work of illusion and the purpose of this illusion is to keep me grounded in the elaborate scheme of the universe. The fair figure represents the Mahamaya and the dark figure represents the hidden truth and “Adya Kali” represents both. The people who can overcome the illusions created by the dualistic nature and perceive the “Adya Kali” can definitely work towards their own total liberation even while living in this dualistic world.      

The solar eclipse that took place just two days back was the manifestation of the hidden truth. It showed that eventually the “creative source” behind every form of “light” in this universe is darkness. The solar eclipse was a premonition for the things to come. It has unravelled a new era and a new age. This is the age when the truth shall prevail at the beginning, the middle and the end. No individual, structure or system would be able to hide behind the scheme of sops, falsehood, lies and deceit. All selfish and personal interests for promoting one’s own self (from the narrowest to widest possible meaning) will come into the open and all illusions and false structures that have been built in this universe will be ruthlessly broken down and devoured without emotions and remorse.  

Sanjay at Nirvana    

My recollections from Yesterday

I got up yesterday morning from a very disturbing dream. I saw myself engaged in sexual activities (of a particular kind) with two actresses from Indian Cinema (Bollywood). These sexual activities are of the type which I am found of and which can be called as a fetish. The actresses in question represented two extreme ends. One of the actresses was somebody whom I had liked to some extent (for a cause that she represents) and the other one was somebody whom I never liked from the beginning (for no particular reason). In between these sexual activities I was forced to chew and eat some semi-dead green creatures which were neither fish nor frog but something in between with big fish like eyes (This sequence had a very-very depressing affect on me when I got up from the dream). The more I was made to chew and eat these semi-dead creatures, the more I vomited them out in a half-chewed green powdery form. 

I was having the sex with the two actresses in turns. I enjoyed the sexual activity with the first actress (the actress attached to a cause) but my sexual activity with the second actress was very unpleasant as I did not like it. It was in fact revolting. This sexual orgy in my dream was broken when my father barged into the room in the dream sequence. My mother also came into the room from behind. Both had entered into the room with an intention to stop our activities. But as my father entered into the room, I and the two actresses stood up and resented his entry into the room. At this stage the dream was broken and I became partially awake. It was around 5:00 A.M. I could hear the morning prayers from a nearby mosque. I did not get up from the bed and in the semi-conscious state I was saying to myself (in my mind) that I am the ultimate Brahman and I absorb and devour every part of the dream that I saw.

I went to sleep again and finally woke up around 7:00 A.M. Before waking up again, I saw another dream in which I was standing in a railway station with an erstwhile colleague from my past. We had worked together for the same pharmaceutical company from 2003 to 2007. I said "good bye" to this colleague as I was ready to catch a train and leave for a completely different destination. But every time I tried to catch my train I was finding to my dismay that I ended up missing it because of one or the other reason. This erstwhile colleague who was standing beside me was vicariously enjoying my turmoil. He was envious of me and he was pestering me to stay on. He was suggesting that I should become a teacher as that was the thing that I had done in the past. On hearing this I vehemently opposed him and told him that he did not really know about my career path and goals and he should stop interfering in my things. Further I counter questioned his career path and past work related experiences. At this stage I got up from my sleep and the consequence of two disturbing and taxing dreams was visible on my mind and body.

I shall reserve my interpretations for these two dreams for sometime as I need to get into the groove and connect the loose endings of this dream with "things" that are happening with me in my conscious awakened state and the changes that are taking place in the external environment.

Sanjay at Nirvana    

Delivering a Speech at my Childhood School at Secunderabad

Today I had pleasant a dream. I saw myself with my sister in our Childhood school at Secunderabad. The school I saw in my dream is Kendriya Vidyalaya Trimulgherry. I studied from class 4 to class 7 in this school. In my dream I saw myself supervising the preparation of a large cultural show for the school where I had to deliver a speech addressing all the students of the school. I was invited to the school as a speaker and overall coordinator of a cultural event that the school was planning to organize. (Otherwise I visualize myself in the dream working as a group product manager in a multinational pharmaceutical company). The preparation of the large scale cultural program of the school was handled by a group of senior students from the school. These senior students formed the school team and I was supervising them. I was in charge of managing the complete cultural show.

As I was involved in the preparations on the ground with other students and my sister, I saw that the old British era buildings of the school were getting demolished for construction of modern buildings. I pointed out at one of the old buildings from the British era to my sister and other students of the school team and said that this is where my old childhood class room was situated. I felt little sad inside my heart as I saw my old class room building getting demolished but I knew that there was no stopping it as the old and decaying buildings had to give way for the creation of new and modern buildings.

In the final dream sequence I saw that we were assembling in the “large ground” of the school for the cultural show and I was preparing my speech in Hindi which was partly prepared by the teachers of the school and partly written by me. At this stage I woke up from my dream.

When I think about this dream, the immediate thing that comes into my mind is the "thinking" that was going on in my mind for last several days. In fact I was thinking about joining this pharmaceutical MNC company at Pune and for this I had forwarded my resume to a consultant and I had also submitted my screening project to them. Further I was thinking that once I join the company and start working in Pune, I would visit my old MBA College at Pune and deliver lectures for the students if they were interested. The idea was to lay down the foundation for my part-time career as a teacher for different colleges and schools across India and the World. So this thinking would have been one of the mitigating factors as regards to my dream.

The other thing that I saw in the dream was the destruction of the old school buildings for creation of new school buildings. The extenuating factor for this sequence is definitely the movie that I saw a few days back which is called as the 11^th hour. This movie is about the environmental disaster that we are facing today and focuses on creation of a new economic model based on sustainable development. Such a model will operate in close coordination with the nature. It strongly recommends for creation of natural (renewable) energy resources and phasing out the fossil based energy sources which are responsible for the environmental disaster that we are witnessing today. I will be separately writing on this topic under the category of movies.

Now let me carry out the interpretations of this dream. There is a message in this dream that there is a new thinking and a new way of doing things (a new doctrine) that is going to spread like wild fire in the world. There will be a "new leader" who will be born and he shall be the preacher of this new doctrine. This new doctrine will sweep the consciousness of humanity across continents and will change the outlook of "how" life is perceived on earth. Old structures will fall apart. Old systems will become defunct. Nations will be in turmoil. There will be chaos and destruction of every kind. Humanity will be forced to “give away” their old ways of thinking and doing things and ultimately majority of the surviving people around the world will have to start anew with a new doctrine towards life which respects nature and which envisions a scenario where we live in close proximity with nature.

For a country like India, it’s a defining moment. If it wants to start anew then it has to immediately "shed away" many of the inheritances of the "British Raj" like the Divide-and-rule policy, Westminster style parliamentary form of political system, large bureaucracy and police which are designed to rule the society by force, cumbersome legal and judicial system and a defunct healthcare and educational system.

On the other hand there has to be a radical shift in the Indian society in terms of cultural and social change. India has to come out of the Victorian age “morality” and “shame” which has blinded its own people from the rich and ancient philosophical, social and cultural heritage of the land. From a land of thinkers and creators, India has become a land of followers and mass consumers.  In this context old values and thinking which act a barrier for true progress has to be systematically phased out. For example, today we are sitting on a time bomb in India. Our population is exploding beyond the available resources that we have. If we carry on this way then we are going to end up in absolute chaos and anarchy. In this context old norms of marriage and family need to change. How can we go on reproducing ourselves when we cannot provide a meaningful future to the next generation? There are many such questions which countries like India and China need to answer.

There are many more (questions) for the so called developed world (a very small part of the total world population) too? They cannot justify their current model of economic development where for the sake of (their) growth they consume majority of the world’s resources and throw into the world unrecyclable waste for others to live and suffer with.

Wake up Humanity, wake up! Otherwise you will be devoured by "time" without "you" even knowing about it.     

Sanjay at Nirvana                

Haunting events from the past

Some dreams represent the haunting events of the past as the one that I can remember from today morning. It is after quite a few days that I am able to recollect a dream elaborately.

In this dream, in the first sequence I see a couple with a daughter staying in our house. They sleep together in the night with their daughter in a separate room arranged for them and in the next morning when all of us get up, the couple shockingly tell us that they have decided that they are going to get divorced. I see myself with the wife and the girl child. I help the lady (the wife) dress up their girl child so that they can leave our house for the divorce proceedings. In the next dream image I see my former father-in-law and mother-in-law taking away my wife secretly from Ahmedabad, the place where I use to live with my former wife.  In the evening when I come back to my house after work, I am shocked to find out the deeds of my former in-laws. (They had taken away my former wife on the sly). After this dream sequence I am partially awake and in this partially awakened state, I think about the complete proceedings that led to the actual divorce.

The dream sequence of my former in-laws secretly taking away my wife from Ahmadabad was something that actually represented the facts on the ground. In reality this had happened but everything was “done” in Hyderabad. My former in-laws did not allow me to meet my wife (now former) even once during the divorce proceedings and they had played a very assertive role in breaking the marriage. They cooked all kind of possible allegations against me to force me for a divorce which was called a divorce with mutual consent. They had also got an old wily lawyer for this purpose and this lawyer had in fact helped them tamper with the facts to prepare a false joint affidavit. Further to put continuous pressure on me and my parents they would drop at our house almost every day without any invitation from our side. Psychologically I and my parents were totally broken as we did not have any local support. (My father is a retired Army Officer who had chosen A.P as the place to stay after retirement and we basically originate from Kerala). Moreover those days my former father-in-law would visit our house (every other day without information or notice) in large groups with their local friends to put pressure on us. (My former wife’s father is a local person from A.P). Finally we succumbed to the trauma and sufferings and agreed to the divorce proceedings. I have all the reason to believe that their daughter (my former wife) would have supported the complete divorce proceedings. If that was not the case then she would have met me at least once and clarified the whole thing in private. I had requested for this meeting during the divorce proceedings many times but every time I was turned down by my in-laws. They had categorically said that my former wife did not want to meet me. I am sure it was true as in a brief conversation during the time for filling the divorce she had told me that she did not want to live with me anymore as I had not taken care of her adequately during the time we stayed together.

But the actual truth was very different. I and my wife (now former) never fought with each other on anything and I had given her full liberty to do things as she had liked during our stay together. I had supported her actively to take up a job as I did not want her to be a typical housewife. She was well qualified (B-Arch) and was working in Hyderabad before our marriage. In fact my financial position got weakened because of her frequent trips to Hyderabad and Pune, because of the frequent hosting of her parents, brother-in-laws and her sister’s family at Ahmedabad, our frequent air travel to Hyderabad and our expensive holiday trips and gift purchases. Therefore it is still a mystery to me as regards to the mitigating factors that led to her drastic action seeking a divorce and her allegation that I did not take care of her. Sexually also our life was going very well.  In fact she had happily left Ahmadabad to attend her brother’s marriage at Hyderabad. She had prepared the dinner for me the day she left and she had kept it in the fridge. Moreover she had put yellow post-it-notes all over the house for the things I should do and not do. But once she went to her parents house, then she never returned back.        

Anyways that is the past and I have moved on in life with new plans and ambitions. By penning down by dreams and my thoughts attached with these dreams, I am breaking all structures of my past life as well as creating new structures for my future life. Most importantly I am also looking at an “angle” whereby I can find larger meanings in my dreams as related to the external universe. This has been the original purpose of penning down my dreams.   

After the above thoughts, I again went back to sleep and witnessed the final sequence of the dream that I dreamt today. In the final sequence, I see that I and my parents are returning to our house one night and we find the lock of the house to be broken and a group of people trying to take away our furniture. We get furious about it and when I try to aggressively stop this from happening, the leader of the group comes in between and tells us that I owe them Rs.80000/- towards the purchase of the furniture. They show me a dark bill, which I try to examine in some kind of light in the dark house. At this stage I wake up from my dreams.           

My interpretations from these three dreams sequences are as follows. Divorce is India is on the rise, because (among many factors) of the interference of the parents in the lives of the newlyweds. (This is represented by the dream sequence that shows my former in-laws taking away my former wife from me).  Unnecessary complications are getting created in the name of dead traditions and culture. On the other hand, the first dream sequence (the couple with a girl child deciding to divorce) is a warning that a completely broken down marriage should be never again reconciled as it is again bound to fail in many ways in the future and in such circumstances the complications would be higher as the future of a third person (or more in the form of many children) is also up on the stake. The final sequence (where I am slapped with a bill of Rs.80000/- and my furniture being carried away) is a grim reminder of the fact that we are living in a world where we are spending more than what we are earning. The financial stress could be one of the primary reasons why a family unit gets weakened leading to interference from parents and in-laws (and other forces) which finally destroys the marriage. This was more than true with my marriage. In the final months of my marriage, our financial situation was far from good.

Further the last sequence (where I am slapped with a bill of Rs.80000/- and my furniture being carried away) has larger ramifications for the “state” and the “world” at large. In India’s financial budget that was announced just some days back, experts were shocked to see a fiscal deficit of 12-13%.  That means the government is spending more than it is earning. The world financial crisis and the recession that we are seeing have happened just because of this factor at every level. (Unabated consumerism and no investment in creation of future resources). India should not forget what had happened to it in 1991 when it had to pledge “gold” at IMF to survive a severe financial crisis. 

As regards to the things that had happened to India in 1991 and in relation the unfolding circumstances that we are witnessing today (high fiscal deficit in India’s budget and severe financial crisis around the world), I feel kind of  déjà-vu. Are we going to see the cycle repeat itself again?

Sanjay at Nirvana

For Indian Women, there is a long way to go

Today’s dream has been particularly clear. I saw that I was a having a group meeting with various senior and junior colleagues in a company setting. Most of these colleagues with whom I was having discussion were women. I and some of the other senior team members were closely observing a very junior female member of the team who was in fact conducting the group meeting. In my conversation with the one of the senior colleagues I said that look how she (the junior colleague) has developed herself. Just some time back we had selected her and we had given her all the opportunity to grow and today she has is conducting a meeting of her own. What a commendable progress.

Merged with the same dream sequence, I see that I am making love to a beautiful looking woman. I perceive her to be the same woman to whom I was talking in the previous scene. (Senior colleague) When I think about the face of this woman, I recollect a teacher from a “Girls Science College” whom I had met in the train almost a year back when I was travelling from Kerala to Hyderabad after my sister’s marriage. Though we never talked to each other in the train but we had some kind of attraction going for each other during our journey.  She was also married I suppose.

This teacher was travelling with her other colleagues and a big batch of final year students of their college for a tour to Hyderabad.  Another incident which took place during this journey was when a student of this teacher came and sat at the same place where we both were sitting. (The teacher and I) Then there was this triangle that was created and the teacher felt definitely insecure. This was very visible by her actions though outwardly the teacher and the student were having a pleasant conversation and I was passively observing the two.  In this sublime competition between the teacher and the student, definitely the student had the upper hand.  

Coming to the dream sequence, during my love making I saw that whenever I passionately kissed the women in her lips, the chain that she was wearing would come into my mouth and become an obstruction. The more I kissed her, the more the chain was getting struck in my mouth. She was passionate about the kissing but she was struck between two worlds. She wanted to enjoy our love making as she was responding positively whenever I kissed her but she was simultaneously looking around with fear and anxiety. This was creating a great disturbance in our love making and eventually this lead to my premature ejaculation during the love making. As I woke up from this dream, I found myself to be in a wet condition.      

I did not pay much attention to the dream immediately but as I got up from the bed and went about my daily activities, I started thinking about the dream with an open mind. The following thoughts crystallized in my mind as I studied the dream in-depth.

The first dream sequence of a group meeting holds a very positive message. The message is very clear that the “young girls” in India are a different bread as compared to their older sisters. They are assertive, ambitious and are passionate about a wholesome development of their personality. Given an opportunity and suitable environment, they can be groomed into leadership roles within a very short span of time. This is because of the fact that they don’t carry any baggage from the past unlike their older sisters and more importantly they are willing to learn and experiment.

The second dream sequence though it looks sexual in nature overtly "but" it connotes a very deep meaning. The first direct message that comes into my mind in relation to this dream image is the fact that “women in India” are torn between their individual personality (which they so much want to assert) and their social responsibilities in the form of a structure created by the traditional type of marriage and all that goes with it. They are not here nor there. (The alternate manifestations of passion and anxiety of the “woman” in my dream with whom I am having sex represents this dilemma. The chain in my mouth in this “dream sequence” represents the "binding negative structures" in my partner and they can be attributed for the alternate manifestations that she develops in the dream).  

The psychological trauma manifests very intensely when women reach an age of 35 in India. This is the time they realize that they have been only giving to the society as per the established social norms but somewhere “in all this giving” they had lost their individual personality.  Their innermost needs and yearnings start to manifest but they realize that there is no possibility for an outlet for what they want to do with their life. Moreover they see younger women around them progressing in life beyond imaginations and this increases their insecurity. (The competition sequence in the Train)  

The other disturbing factor that comes from all this is the affect that Women are having on Men. As the sexuality of Women is repressed under the social structures, sex for them is just another social responsibility under the norms of traditional do’s and don’ts. In this scenario they consciously or unconsciously transmit a very negative and repressive message to Men during the act of love making. In fact both the partners don’t enjoy natural sex and this leads to premature ejaculation in Men and dissatisfaction for both the partners in the sexual act itself.  (My premature ejaculation in the dream sequence was because of the anxiety and fear that was visible in my partner. The underlying cause of this anxiety and fear was a regressive structure as represented by the chain in my mouth)     

Women have a long way to go in India before they can realize their full potential and start contributing to the society in the most productive manner that is possible. For this they have to understand the current structures in their life. They have to adopt the positive ones meanwhile they have to consciously either change or throw out the regressive structures which bind them so badly. These are the negative structures which make them to forget that they are an individual first and everything else later. My experience with women has been very sad in India. This includes women from my personal and work life as well. I had a very disturbing experience with my former wife as well as a female colleague from my last work place. I have been thoroughly analyzing what had gone wrong in these relationships and I shall pen them down in the appropriate time in the appropriate category of my notes.

I visualize that this is the time for churning and upheaval in India. It would take another 25-30 years before “Women in India” would be really ready to take off in a direction which can be considered as truly inspiring and extraordinary. Anyways the process has started and there is no looking back.

Initially I had thought that “Project-9” which I envision as an entrepreneurial effort by Women could have been possibly initiated in India. But I am convinced that given the circumstances that prevail today and given the regressive structures in which women in India are bound today, this project cannot materialize in India. Women in India have to help themselves out. Nobody else can help them. Slowly and surely they have to come out of the negative and regressive structures of their life. Only then a creative and generative life for them can be a true possibility.

As I am penning down more and more of my dreams, my ability to interpret them under my “hypothesis” is getting better day by day.

Sanjay at Nirvana   

I was blank today

I am definitely sure that I got into a dream mode today morning but when I got up from the bed I was feeling heavy and blank. I could not remember anything. There would not have been anything spectacular in today’s dream and that would be the reason for drawing a blank as regards to remembering anything after getting up from sleep today.

As I have started this journey of penning down my dreams, I am becoming more excited with my research into the multidimensional possibilities that exist in understanding the human mind and its various manifestations during the various stages which includes "being awake" and the "sleep" mode.  At this juncture I have a feeling that every human being dreams as per the structures that he has created in his life. For example if a person has his world limited to his family, work, few friends and passive observation of information that he receives through the various channels of information around him then the dream sequence and its interpretations are limited to those particular limited surroundings.

On the other hand, if a person has a “world view”  or to say that he has a  extreme “universal view” then his dreaming and dream interpretations would relate to a canvas which would be much larger in scope than the earlier case.  Further in the later case, the "seriousness" of the dream image interpretations would also depend upon the actual “perception” of the dream by the person in question. If the person dismisses "the dreaming mode" as an inconsequential matter then it would "remain so" superficially but it may manifest later in a most inappropriate manner without the working of conscious mentation.            

Sanjay at Nirvana

A “useless figure” in an Indian military Uniform

This dream that I saw in the morning was amusing to start with and then it took a rather disturbing trend. To start with I saw a “useless figure” from my past work life in an Indian military Uniform. I saw myself travelling with him in an old military vehicle and reaching a base camp. This person was wearing an Indian army badge of ASC. At the base camp, I saw my father in an injured state serving another injured person. My mother and sister were sitting nearby and they were injured too. My mother and sister were complaining that how my sister got injured in the second leg also. In the dream she had injuries already in the first leg.

I don’t want to make an interpretation of the dream in an outright manner but the signals are ominous when I naturally reflect it through my mind which tries to make immediate correlations. For me a “useless figure” “ who” was holding a position of authority in my past work place to be seen (in my dream) wearing an “Indian military uniform” signifies the eroding leadership skills in Indian Army and other Paramilitary and Police forces. This “useless figure” whom I am referring to was a poor motivator of people and lacked communication abilities to manage people. Such a person to be seen in Indian army uniform signifies to me a dangerous leadership crisis in the forces at all levels.

The second stage is further disturbing and can be seen in connection with the first. I perceive that the Indian nation is getting into a serious conflict where the authority figures have been grievously attacked and maimed (injured father serving the injured person) and there is severe collateral damage to the larger population (injury to mother and sister). Further my thinking says that all this has happened because of the leadership failure in the Armed forces, Police, Intelligence and other Arms of the Civilian Government rather than because of the enemy’s capabilities.  Again I don’t know for sure whether this dream is a traumatic reflection of the past (26/11 Mumbai attacks) or it signifies something large in the present or future which can be more damaging in its magnitude.  (My sister’s injuries in the second leg can signify a second and more dangerous event)

Whatever may be in the offering, but I don’t think the nation has learned a lesson from 26/11 Mumbai attacks. It has not been able to bring the guilty to justice. Moreover people who were removed because of the inefficiency during the Mumbai carnage have been rehabilitated with plum posts elsewhere.

Sanjay at Nirvana